Balancing my Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
As a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved many, mostly pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Every time I start to date any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they appear like hard work, frequently resulting in significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I fear the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle different types of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and recognize the worth of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist focusing on addressing intimacy issues.
